Like most, I have fallen into the many trappings of social media. I have a love hate relationship with it. I can see the benefits of collective sharing– like the Borg from Star Trek– and how it can help us to solve shared problems. I also see the toxic consequences of comparing our lives to those we could never really relate to.
This morning I read a meme that immediately gave me negative emotional reaction.
What are we as adults if not a product of what we were taught as children? When we fell down and got hurt we were taught what to do with our pain. When we were confused about something we asked our parents for advice. If our parents were absent, toxic or ignorant we would have recieved no advice or poor advice. This would have had a profound impact on our developing brains. Human beings are learning animals after all.
Here is a meme that contradicts the first meme.
So which is it?
I suppose it is a combination of the two. If we want to have a better quality of life as adults–regardless of our upbringing–we need to make the changes ourselves. It is impossible, however, to just forget the lessons we were taught as children. We spend the rest of our lives making decisions based on instincts we developed in childhood. These automatic responses just happen now. Rarely do we think about why we respond and act the way that we do in any given situation. Those who make better decisions assume they are just smarter than those who make bad decisions.
I strongly believe the way we feel about and react to life, pain, success, etc. is directly related to the lessons our parents taught us or the lessons we learned by their mistakes.
One of my first memories is being drown in a pool by my Mother’s boyfriend. I was about three years old at the time. My Mother and her boyfriend were high or drunk at the time. Even at three I knew the difference between sober and not sober, although I didn’t know the words to describe the two different states of being. The boyfriend– I’ll call him John to protect his identity–decided to build a water slide for the kids on one of the hottest days of summer that year. I was really excited about the prospect of cooling off. One thing I didn’t know at three years old was how hot metal objects could become after sitting in the sun for hours. As soon as the little kiddie pool was pushed into place at the bottom of the slide and John put the running hose at the top, I flew up the ladder as fast as I could.
Even though the running water had cooled part of the slide, other parts were burning hot. It was more of a shock than anything when I was burned by the slide. I was expecting pure joy and relief, so I was shocked by the discomfort. My vocabulary at the time would not allow for a dynamic explanation of my disappointment, so I just screamed. This immediately set John off. Perhaps he had expectations as well. Had he imagined that I would emerge from the pool giggling instead of screaming? His reaction was swift and to the point. He grabbed both of my shoulders and told me to be quiet. I couldn’t stop at this point and the tone of his voice just made me scream louder. He then grabbed me by the hair on the back of my head and pushed me face first into the pool. He held me there while yelling, “what is the matter with you, shut up, shut up, shut up!”
The last thing I remembered was my sister screaming at him to stop and then my Mother a few moments later doing the same. I must have passed out at this point. When I came to, I was lying on my back on the grass. My Mother was crying and John was smoking a cigarette. When he noticed my eyes had opened he simply said, in the most matter of fact way, “see, she’s fine.”
Obviously I survived the drowning but I remember the incident and it changed me. To this day I have a difficult time showing anyone my discomfort. I prefer to be alone when I am sick or injured because I have an irrational fear that I will be hurt further if I inconvenience those around me. I also have a difficult time showing my displeasure when someone makes a mistake–even a dangerous mistake.
I believe events like this do rewire young brains. As children we have to learn about our environments and how to navigate safely within them. By the time we are adults, our brains are convinced they have a pretty good idea about how the world works. It is more difficult to retrain ypur brain as an adult but it can be done.
The world is full of sick brains –like mine– convinced that all the people of the world are dangerous. It is important for these people to try to heal and retrain their minds if they hope for any kind of peaceful future. It’s unfortunate that sick people can often make others sick, usually without even knowing they are doing so. It’s a nasty cycle.
Healthy brains –instead of feeling a sense of undeserved pride for the lottery of perfect circumstance they were fortunate enough to receive– should try to retrain their brains as well. Nothing is more hurtful to a person like me than being told by a healthy individual, “we are the same” because we are certainly are NOT!
That’s all for today . Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.
Mel's Perspective 