Child Support.

Did you automatically think of monetary support when you read the title of this post? I’d bet anything that you did.

What is child support exactly? True, it is a monetary support ordered by the court for a child’s wellbeing, but it as also an action. The action taken by involved, loving and nurturing parents. The latter is rarely talked about and what a shame that is!

It is arguable whether one kind of support is more important than the other but I have to ask… If a child was aware of the money that was sent for them and also aware of the voluntary absence of the paying parent, would that child feel loved and cared for by that parent? It’s no different than a wife whose husband spends money on her but spends no time with her. The relationship is doomed to fail because–although we are programmed to think differently– love trumps money every time.

When a relationship ends where children are involved, the responsibility for the children’s wellbeing is supposed to be split evenly –both by moral and judicial standards– yet so many parents want to abandon all responsibility. These bailing parents are then enraged and embittered when they are ordered to take some responsibility for their children. As though it should just be their right to create a life and then throw it away. How can this be?

The bailing parent (usually the Father) wants to start over. He wants to find another woman as soon as possible because he has needs. He does not want to be carrying around any baggage that might scare off a potential partner. So when he finds a victim–I mean partner–he will tell her a twisted story ensuring he looks like the victim so she will act on her sympathetic instincts. Does she investigate his tales of woe by asking the child’s Mother? Of course she doesn’t because she has needs too. Needs that trump some kid she’s never met and probably never will.

The bailing parent and new compliant partner settle comfortably into a relationship built on deception. Once he is sure that his new partner is hooked, he starts to complain about how much child support he has to pay for his kids. By this time he could claim to be a sultan and she wouldn’t question it. He comments negatively about Baby Momma’s new car, new house and new hairdo. He ignorantly assumes that he is paying for all of it. This belief propels him into a rage where he openly bashes his child’s Mother to anyone willing to listen. His new partner may even join in.

My question is, why do the listeners not question his statements? If Baby Momma has income of her own, why would he assume she spent HIS money on any particular thing? Does their child not benefit from a new car and a new home? Does their child not have everything he/she needs to be a healthy/happy child even after Baby Momma got her hair done? If he were not court ordered to help, would yhe even be paying attention at all? In all the time he spends worrying about how she is spending money, how much did he think about their child? What would he rather be spending that support money on? What could possibly be more important than their child’s wellbeing?

In truth, Baby Momma not only provides a safe and nurturing environment but she also makes sacrifices Baby Daddy knows nothing about. She is always available to their child regardless of her own needs and wants. She does not go out to party or let her hair down often because she chooses to be present for their child. She prepares balanced meals every day even if that means she can’t afford to eat them. She plays nurse when their child is ill even when she is ill herself. She puts their child before any other relationship even when she is devastated by loneliness. She helps with homework even when she struggles to relearn the material. She shows up for school events even though she hates showing up alone. She knows how to calm thier child even when she is not calm herself.

How much would you say all of that is worth? According to Baby Daddy, it’s not worth a damn thing. Why? Could it be that he only has the capacity to think about what he is missing out on by paying 14-17% of his income toward his child’s wellbeing? Could it be that– to him– this small monetary loss is too much to ask of him because he just does not care about anyone but himself?

To the women that love and support men like this, shame on you. If he cares so little about his own children, what makes you think you will ever be his priority? What you have to offer is comfort and support to a Deadbeat Dad. You’re loving and supporting a liar, a cheat and a pathetic excuse for a parent. You’re telling him, with and without words, that he is a worthy man. His children are watching you, your children are watching you and society is watching you do it. Truth be told, he is voluntarily avoiding his responsibilities as a parent. Paying child support is no replacement for being present in a child’s life. If he were half the man you think he is, he’d be moving mountains to be real Father to his kids. Desmond Tutu said it best, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice,  you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”

If he thinks–by his being FORCED to pay his support, while having no other parental responsibilities–he has earned the right to an opinion about how Baby Momma spends money, feel free to tell him to shut all the way up. Even if he were correct in his assumption that the children were being neglected, he should be going to court to gain custody! 

Child Support is more than money. To all of the parents who know the difference, I thank you for your sacrifices and continued efforts to ensure a brighter future for all of us. To all the parents crying about their perceived monetary loss…I have many horrible things to say to you but won’t waste my time. You’re ability to forgive yourself and forget your children means we speak a different language.

That’s all for today. Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.