Did you automatically think of monetary support when you read the title of this post? I’d bet anything that you did.

What is child support exactly? True, it is a monetary support ordered by the court for a child’s wellbeing, but it as also an action. The action taken by involved, loving and nurturing parents. The latter is rarely talked about and what a shame that is!

It is arguable whether one kind of support is more important than the other but I have to ask… If a child was aware of the money that was sent for them and also aware of the voluntary absence of the paying parent, would that child feel loved and cared for by that parent? It’s no different than a wife whose husband spends money on her but spends no time with her. The relationship is doomed to fail because–although we are programmed to think differently– love trumps money every time.

When a relationship ends where children are involved, the responsibility for the children’s wellbeing is supposed to be split evenly –both by moral and judicial standards– yet so many parents want to abandon all responsibility. These bailing parents are then enraged and embittered when they are ordered to take some responsibility for their children. As though it should just be their right to create a life and then throw it away. How can this be?

The bailing parent (usually the Father) wants to start over. He wants to find another woman as soon as possible because he has needs. He does not want to be carrying around any baggage that might scare off a potential partner. So when he finds a victim–I mean partner–he will tell her a twisted story ensuring he looks like the victim so she will act on her sympathetic instincts. Does she investigate his tales of woe by asking the child’s Mother? Of course she doesn’t because she has needs too. Needs that trump some kid she’s never met and probably never will.

The bailing parent and new compliant partner settle comfortably into a relationship built on deception. Once he is sure that his new partner is hooked, he starts to complain about how much child support he has to pay for his kids. By this time he could claim to be a sultan and she wouldn’t question it. He comments negatively about Baby Momma’s new car, new house and new hairdo. He ignorantly assumes that he is paying for all of it. This belief propels him into a rage where he openly bashes his child’s Mother to anyone willing to listen. His new partner may even join in.

My question is, why do the listeners not question his statements? If Baby Momma has income of her own, why would he assume she spent HIS money on any particular thing? Does their child not benefit from a new car and a new home? Does their child not have everything he/she needs to be a healthy/happy child even after Baby Momma got her hair done? If he were not court ordered to help, would yhe even be paying attention at all? In all the time he spends worrying about how she is spending money, how much did he think about their child? What would he rather be spending that support money on? What could possibly be more important than their child’s wellbeing?

In truth, Baby Momma not only provides a safe and nurturing environment but she also makes sacrifices Baby Daddy knows nothing about. She is always available to their child regardless of her own needs and wants. She does not go out to party or let her hair down often because she chooses to be present for their child. She prepares balanced meals every day even if that means she can’t afford to eat them. She plays nurse when their child is ill even when she is ill herself. She puts their child before any other relationship even when she is devastated by loneliness. She helps with homework even when she struggles to relearn the material. She shows up for school events even though she hates showing up alone. She knows how to calm thier child even when she is not calm herself.

How much would you say all of that is worth? According to Baby Daddy, it’s not worth a damn thing. Why? Could it be that he only has the capacity to think about what he is missing out on by paying 14-17% of his income toward his child’s wellbeing? Could it be that– to him– this small monetary loss is too much to ask of him because he just does not care about anyone but himself?

To the women that love and support men like this, shame on you. If he cares so little about his own children, what makes you think you will ever be his priority? What you have to offer is comfort and support to a Deadbeat Dad. You’re loving and supporting a liar, a cheat and a pathetic excuse for a parent. You’re telling him, with and without words, that he is a worthy man. His children are watching you, your children are watching you and society is watching you do it. Truth be told, he is voluntarily avoiding his responsibilities as a parent. Paying child support is no replacement for being present in a child’s life. If he were half the man you think he is, he’d be moving mountains to be real Father to his kids. Desmond Tutu said it best, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice,  you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”

If he thinks–by his being FORCED to pay his support, while having no other parental responsibilities–he has earned the right to an opinion about how Baby Momma spends money, feel free to tell him to shut all the way up. Even if he were correct in his assumption that the children were being neglected, he should be going to court to gain custody! 

Child Support is more than money. To all of the parents who know the difference, I thank you for your sacrifices and continued efforts to ensure a brighter future for all of us. To all the parents crying about their perceived monetary loss…I have many horrible things to say to you but won’t waste my time. You’re ability to forgive yourself and forget your children means we speak a different language.

That’s all for today. Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow. 

Are women today so desperate for companionship, affection or marriage that they would enable a deadbeat Dad?

Unfortunately they seem to be.

What on earth could attract you to a lowlife child abuser? You think child abuser is too bold a statement? I assure you, it is not. Children that don’t have their Fathers in their lives are scientifically proven to have developmental disadvantages similar to that of abused children. Read more about it here;

https://www.all4kids.org/2018/06/07/a-fathers-impact-on-child-development/

So what if he is physically attractive, financially successful or attentive to you? At the end of the day he is only doing what serves his own interests. If you are naive enough to believe you are an exception to his cold hearted ways, you are only kidding yourself. Stop catering to him for a while and see just how much he “loves” you. Be honest with yourself and save your yourself the heartbreak. He only loves what you can do for him. If he were the loving and caring man you think he is, how could be abandon his own children?

You might be tempted to jump to his defense and claim that the Mother is to blame. He may have told you that she broke his heart, that she uses the kids as leverage, that she kicked him out…blah blah blah. No matter what he tells you, it’s all bullshit if he has ANY excuse for not being an active part of his children’s lives. Divorce and breakups have nothing to do with custody. Is he spending his extra time and money to go to court or is he spending on something else?

You’re still not convinced that you are enabling a deadbeat? Ok– let’s imagine your own children had a Father like him. A Father who was happy to create your children but just as happy to leave them behind in pursuit of other interests. A Father content to ignore your child’s every milestone. A Father willing to distance himself from his obligations by moving away. A Father who never calls to check in or check up. A Father who shows every day that his priorities are just for himself. Would you want a Father like that for your own children? Obviously not–so why have you convinced yourself that it is ok to enable him to do it to his own kids? If you tell him every day and in every way how worthy he is of your love and acceptance, you are telling him that no matter what he does, he is a good man. You are allowing him to believe that his choice to forget his parental responsibility is not only okay but attractive and desirable! You are encouraging him to continue his bad behavior and that– my dear– makes you a party to his abuse.

You may have also convinced yourself that if you marry him, he will magically be different and be with you forever. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but marriage is nothing more than a thin sheet of paper to a man like this. If he could walk away from his children so easily, how easily could he walk away from his wife? Are you so delusional that you think he doesn’t know exactly what he is doing? Do you really think he has respect and love for you when you worship him regardless of his bad choices? If you accept and applaud his bad behavior in one way, he’ll think he can get away with anything because you are desperate enough to take it. After all, your desperation is the reason he is with you in the first place. That’s not love sweetie.

Do you want the world to be a better place for your children to live in? Do you hope that they find a love that is deep and lasting? Do you wish them a healthy life and family? If you do, I suggest that you stop enabling deadbeat Dads because believe it or not, they are responsible for the continuation of broken lives and broken families. Do not choose to be the woman who harbors him while he does it. You are better than that and you are worthy of more than that. Take your love, dedication and loyalty somewhere it won’t be wasted. You are not only hurting yourself by investing in a deadbeat, you are hurting children and that is unforgivable.

That’s all for today. Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.

Is there anything more heartbreaking than watching the man you love doing all the things for another woman that you needed him to do for you — including raising her kids when he has kids of his own to raise?

Who do we blame for a situation like this? The obvious answer is to blame the man, right, but is it that simple? Every human life plays out differently and this makes it difficult to place blame appropriately, if we should place blame at all.

So let’s say (Mason) loves his wife (Bell) very much but he is not a particularly good parent to his children. He doesn’t make time for them because he’d rather spend his time doing his own thing. He doesn’t show interest in their interests because he’d rather be immersed in his own interests. He also gets inappropriately angry at them, then administers –equally inappropriate– punishments.

Although Bell loves Mason very much, she loves her children more. She has her heart broken daily as she watches Mason dismiss and disrespect the kids. So, after years of trying, she puts an end to the relationship.

The man moves on. He has a few unsuccessful relationships where he is clearly using the women for sex and financial security. As soon as his new girlfriend asks for a ring, he bails out of the relationship and moves on to the next.

Then one day, Mason finds a woman (Phara) who has two kids of her own and he actually settles down. What happened? What is the magic ingredient that changed him? Did he finally get tired of the game, does she satisfy him sexually in a way he can’t live without, are her kids more well behaved or does she simply take care of him without asking for anything in return? Really, what is it?

If she knows that he has two kids of his own that he doesn’t take care of, isn’t she just as bad as he is? The fact that she ignores his poor choices in favor of her own happiness is a poor choice in itself. If she takes care of him and showers him with love even though he is not doing what he should be doing as a Father, she is essentially giving him a “get out of responsibility free” card. She is encouraging a bad man to continue to do bad things for her own benefit.

So is the Phara to blame for condoning Mason’s choices? Is it Mason’s fault for abandoning his kids or is it Bell’s fault for kicking him to the curb in the first place?

I believe it’s Mason’s fault. Maybe he didn’t have a great example of how to be a good parent, but so what, not everyone does. It’s no excuse to bail on the most important responsibility in life. Children need their parents in order to grow into healthy successful adults. Unless you are dead, you have to step up for them. Forget about your needs and wants because your kids should always come first.

I know that Phara cannot help her own heart because I love Mason too. I do know, however, that a Mother CAN decide what she will allow in her life and in the lives of her children. If Phara can rest easy at night knowing that Mason’s kids are without a Father–partly because of the comfort and escape she provides for him– and her own kids have him as an example of what a “good man” looks like, well that’s just sad for her and her kids.

I rest easy (most nights) knowing that I made the right choice. I do love my ex husband and I cherish all that he brought to my life. He was a fantastic husband to me but a terrible Father his children. I will continue to be broken-hearted about how things turned out but I know that those feelings will always have to come second to the well-being of my children.

Let me know what you think?

That’s all for today. Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.

What does it mean to be lonely? I suppose it’s different for everyone. Some would say they have no luck in love and others would say they can’t relate to others at all.

To me loneliness means having no support system. No parents, no true friends, no mentors–nobody to call on in times of need.

My Mother abandoned me when I was still a baby. She chose a life of drugs and alcohol over being a responsible parent. She had a rough life herself–and no that is not an excuse for her choices–that made her want to find an escape from her own demons. She had 4 children all together and she abandoned every one of them. She was brutally murdered when she was 34 years old in a drug deal gone bad. The man responsible for her death was only sentenced to two years in prison. I was 12 when my Father recieved the phone call from the Salt Lake City officer in charge of her case. My Father told me in the same tone of voice as he would have if he were telling me the weather forecast. When I cried, he yelled, “knock it off or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My Father never wanted children. He always felt that he was dealt a bad hand when he and my Mother conceived my sister and I only one year apart. The only reason he tried to gain custody is because his Mother forced him to. The judge stated in the custody report that he felt neither parent was fit for custody but that my Father was the least dangerous of the two.

My Father detested the responsibilities that came along with being a parent. He too wanted to find an escape from his demons with drugs and alcohol. When I was fourteen years old he finally gave up on me. He first had me live with his sister (who I had only met a few times) but when that didn’t work out I went to live in a maximum security juvenile facility because there were no foster homes available.

The foster home I ended up going to, six months later, was run by a woman named Lynn. I believe she got into the foster care business because she had a large family and needed help with the household chores and her many horses. The foster kids had to take care of the horses so that her real family could enjoy them you see. Even though we all did what she asked, she wouldn’t let us eat before her biological children. She had the two disabled foster kids sleeping in a laundry room on cots. She also forced the foster kids to watch her kids open their Christmas gifts knowing that we had nothing. She then made us comment about how nice the gifts were. Lynn’s foster home was shut down because I reported back to social services, every human indignity she forced upon us. It took several months and many interviews with the other foster kids but in end she was never allowed to be a foster parent again.

I went on to another foster home, a better one this time. We will call them Fran and Stan Kosta to protect their identities. Fran and Stan were very successful. They lived in a beautiful lake house and had every luxury I had never realized people could have. They were religious and childless which I suppose had everything to do with their choice to become foster parents.

They treated me very well and I grew to love and respect them. One year into my stay Fran told me that she wanted to adopt me. I was floored because I knew what this could mean for my future. I was more excited than I had ever been. The court date was all set but to our surprise, my Father showed up and stopped the whole thing. I had even prepared a speech telling the judge why I wanted to be adopted but my Father still said no. I don’t understand–to this day– why he did it because we still don’t talk to one another. Maybe he just wanted to make sure I didn’t have a chance?

After the adoption fell through, Fran was so upset that she started being cold toward me. I was upset too and I started skipping classes. She found out and that’s when everything came crashing down. I came home from school one day and found my bags sitting by the front door and a taxi idling in the driveway waiting for me to give a destination. I had nowhere to go. I was homeless at seventeen.

I am sure all of these events have given me some abandonment issues and I therefore have a difficult time forming bonds with others. So here I am 18 years later without a single person to call on for any kind of support. A Mother in the grave, a Father just as unreachable, and the memeory of a family that almost loved me.

My heart feels like it is filled with stones most of the time. Each time it beats, it seems to be protesting against the next beat. I wake from my sleep several times a night and stare at my hand until I am sure I am still alive. I am plagued with panic attacks during the day when the silence is ringing in my ears. I have to have the T.V. on just to stay calm. This is what loneliness means to me.

That’s all for today. Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.

Like most, I have fallen into the many trappings of social media. I have a love hate relationship with it. I can see the benefits of collective sharing– like the Borg from Star Trek– and how it can help us to solve shared problems. I also see the toxic consequences of comparing our lives to those we could never really relate to.

This morning I read a meme that immediately gave me negative emotional reaction.

What are we as adults if not a product of what we were taught as children? When we fell down and got hurt we were taught what to do with our pain. When we were confused about something we asked our parents for advice. If our parents were absent, toxic or ignorant we would have recieved no advice or poor advice. This would have had a profound impact on our developing brains. Human beings are learning animals after all.

Here is a meme that contradicts the first meme.

So which is it?

I suppose it is a combination of the two. If we want to have a better quality of life as adults–regardless of our upbringing–we need to make the changes ourselves. It is impossible, however, to just forget the lessons we were taught as children. We spend the rest of our lives making decisions based on instincts we developed in childhood. These automatic responses just happen now. Rarely do we think about why we respond and act the way that we do in any given situation. Those who make better decisions assume they are just smarter than those who make bad decisions.

I strongly believe the way we feel about and react to life, pain, success, etc. is directly related to the lessons our parents taught us or the lessons we learned by their mistakes.

One of my first memories is being drown in a pool by my Mother’s boyfriend. I was about three years old at the time. My Mother and her boyfriend were high or drunk at the time. Even at three I knew the difference between sober and not sober, although I didn’t know the words to describe the two different states of being. The boyfriend– I’ll call him John to protect his identity–decided to build a water slide for the kids on one of the hottest days of summer that year. I was really excited about the prospect of cooling off. One thing I didn’t know at three years old was how hot metal objects could become after sitting in the sun for hours. As soon as the little kiddie pool was pushed into place at the bottom of the slide and John put the running hose at the top, I flew up the ladder as fast as I could.

Even though the running water had cooled part of the slide, other parts were burning hot. It was more of a shock than anything when I was burned by the slide. I was expecting pure joy and relief, so I was shocked by the discomfort. My vocabulary at the time would not allow for a dynamic explanation of my disappointment, so I just screamed. This immediately set John off. Perhaps he had expectations as well. Had he imagined that I would emerge from the pool giggling instead of screaming? His reaction was swift and to the point. He grabbed both of my shoulders and told me to be quiet. I couldn’t stop at this point and the tone of his voice just made me scream louder. He then grabbed me by the hair on the back of my head and pushed me face first into the pool. He held me there while yelling, “what is the matter with you, shut up, shut up, shut up!”

The last thing I remembered was my sister screaming at him to stop and then my Mother a few moments later doing the same. I must have passed out at this point. When I came to, I was lying on my back on the grass. My Mother was crying and John was smoking a cigarette. When he noticed my eyes had opened he simply said, in the most matter of fact way, “see, she’s fine.”

Obviously I survived the drowning but I remember the incident and it changed me. To this day I have a difficult time showing anyone my discomfort. I prefer to be alone when I am sick or injured because I have an irrational fear that I will be hurt further if I inconvenience those around me. I also have a difficult time showing my displeasure when someone makes a mistake–even a dangerous mistake.

I believe events like this do rewire young brains. As children we have to learn about our environments and how to navigate safely within them. By the time we are adults, our brains are convinced they have a pretty good idea about how the world works. It is more difficult to retrain ypur brain as an adult but it can be done.

The world is full of sick brains –like mine– convinced that all the people of the world are dangerous. It is important for these people to try to heal and retrain their minds if they hope for any kind of peaceful future. It’s unfortunate that sick people can often make others sick, usually without even knowing they are doing so. It’s a nasty cycle.

Healthy brains –instead of feeling a sense of undeserved pride for the lottery of perfect circumstance they were fortunate enough to receive– should try to retrain their brains as well. Nothing is more hurtful to a person like me than being told by a healthy individual, “we are the same” because we are certainly are NOT!

That’s all for today . Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.

Fools rush in where personal experience has never bothered to tread. ~unknown~

In my life I have noticed a strange phenomenon. People seem to have set opinions about everything ranging from breakfast being the most important meal of the day to the the one true religion of the world. It’s not JUST an opinion to them though, it’s a sense of knowing the “real” truth on any subject at any time. If there is a challenge to their belief, all Hell could break loose. Why be so sure about anything though? Wasn’t there a time where such assuredness would be considered dishonorable?

A change in perspective and opinion can be exhilarating. In what other way can we be sure that our minds will continue to grow? If we all believe and accept the first thing we are taught, we would become a stagnant species, wouldn’t we? With that said, please feel free to share your perspective and opinions here. All I ask is that you try to be courteous.

Over the next year I want to share my perspective on many different parts of what it means to be human and how we could improve upon the experience. Why would my perspective be of any use or importance you may ask? It’s not necessarily useful or important at all, is my answer. Then again, it might just help one other human being and that’s important to me. Or, who knows, maybe 100 years from now a child will use my ramblings to write a paper about the unstable mind of those who lived a hundred years ago.

I do believe that some of the experiences I have had could help others. Whether through a basic feeling of connectedness or by doing the opposite of what I did to save themselves the pain.

Besides helping others, I am writting to help myself. I have no family or friends to speak of but I have a universe of thoughts to share. It can get pretty overwhelming at times and I see this blog as a way of inventing my own family, even if I am only ever talking to myself. So, nothing different than usual but at least I can focus my mind for a few moments every day.

Content warning! I will be sharing life experiences that are not pleasant. Also, my perspective is not typically uplifting or optimistic at first glance (or second or third) but my intention is always positive growth.

One last thing… If you are a Grammar Nazi, I apologize ahead of time and thank you for reading through my attempts at being grammatically correct. I am but a HSED graduate with no further schooling. Low on the chain of dominating cultural figures, I know, but I have things to say regardless of how poorly they are articulated. Most popular books and articles circulating around the world are written by college graduates but are read by people with little education. Is it any wonder why we all feel so confused. That is the beauty of blogs isn’t it? Anyone can write one and anyone can read one. I have found it to be useful to learn from people at every level of society. I hope you can keep that in mind as well.

That’s all for today. Here’s hoping for a better tomorrow.